


Crack

by KingThorinII



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 08:32:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2262915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingThorinII/pseuds/KingThorinII
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Bilbo cracked some members of the company their nuts... and one time where someone made him crack his own...on accident..or perhaps on purpose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack

**Author's Note:**

> I made this because of the Deleted Mirkwood scene, wehre Thorin sends Bilbo ahead on those branches.. he trips and falls and we all know how he falls so..Hope this is will do

Fili

  
After the whole situation on the carrock Bilbo was finally accepted by the great future king under the mountain. Honestly the little hobbit could not be more thrilled although the king had been acting a bit odd towards him, well not odd but just... wherever Bilbo would go, Thorin would most likely be there aswel. He suspected the leader's nephews must have been the troublemakers that have been started their uncle's weird behavior.

"Oi Bilbo, we will have dinner soon." Fili said as he walked up to the hobbit who was trying to fix his coat. Buttons had not only been missing from his vest after the incident with that weird creature Gollum in the Goblin tunnels, but also from his precious coat. "What are you doing?"Fili asked quite curious.  
"The buttons are loose you see, it bothers me greatly"Bilbo declared and wildly attacked the loose button with the needle, yet the little bag he kept his buttons in was blown towards a stream of water by the wind." Oh no!"Bilbo was about to get up but Fili already rushed towards the stream, catching the buttons in time, however whilst doing so he stepped on to a branch, which was slammed directly in his crotch.

"Oh bless you!" Bilbo ran towards Fili, not noticing or just not paying attention to the young dwarf who just froze to the ground and took the bag with buttons out of Fili's hand and simply walked back towards his coat, not seeing poor Fili crumbling to the ground in agony.

* * *

 

Bofur

It was raining, no it was pouring most likely to say. Bilbo was happily chatting with , he could say, one of his best friends now about his garden. "So the soil has to be taken very good care of otherwise your tomatoes will just rot, it's how I won my prize" he told the dwarf happily and gasped when he saw some berries he had not seen since the day he left the Shire. "Goodness!" He ran up to it and grabbed a hand ful."You should try this here."

"What are these?"Bofur slowly took some berries over from Bilbo, sniffing at it first and studied the blue round things in his hand. "Blueberries, you can make excellent pies from them."The hobbit smiled and ate happily, literally squeeling when he found another area with blueberries and ran towards it, Bofur following him curious."Oh there all rocks in between the bushes."Bilbo huffed and started to throw the rocks over his shoulder, not knowing Bofur was close behind him.  
"Erh Bilbo, watch it lad." The dwarf first chuckled but soon that chuckle turned into a gasp when one of the rocks hit him in the crotch, his eyes rolling back as he fell backwards aswel.

"There much better, want some more Bofur?"he turned around happy with the bushes now being free of the rocks, frowning at the dwarf on the ground." Guess he was tired." He shrugged and walked off with his berries."

* * *

 

Kili

"Mr. Boggins come and join us, the water is the best!" The young heir yelled from the river most dwarves now all gathered in..rather naked aswel. "It'll do you good!" Bilbo however bit his lip as he just moved his feet through the water. "No thank you I'm quite alright here."  
  
"Don't be so dim!"The young dwarf made his way towards Bilbo with a wide mischievous grin on his face, causing Bilbo to be on his guard right away and back away already."Honestly Kili, I'm fine" He panicked lightly, unsure if the dwarf knew hobbits weren't great swimmers, or rather not at all .  
  
"Nonsense."Kili grabbed one of Bilbo his feet, who squeeled and started to kick wildly with his feet, one of them kicking right in to Kili's crotch, having the young dwarf to let go straight away and sink down in the water. "Your own fault." Bilbo huffed and joined the more calmer party of dwarves, Balin, Dwalin and Thorin.

* * *

Dwalin

Bilbo woke up to a light buzzing sound near his ear and felt a soft tickle on his nose. He woke up with a frown only to meet the dark head of a quite big bee. He startled the slightest and waved the bug away before getting up. The sound of the chattering dwarves at the breakfast table in Beorn's house drew his attention and thus he slowly made his way towards it, studying the animals and other surroundings around him with fascination. He caught Dwalin and Thorin muttering things to each other and their eyes met his , causing Bilbo to blush under Thorin's piercing look. That dwarf was too insufferable for his own good. After hearing a slight background story on Beorn's past and him being kind enough to help said insufferable dwarf, they made their way back to their stuff to prepare packing up once more.   
  
"Master Baggins.. do you have a minute?"Thorin's deep voice rumbled behind Bilbo, making the hobbit shiver slightly. If Thorin hadn't hugged him at the carrock, much have been different, he would do much other things to Bilbo's body, it would probably have less more effect. Bebother and blast that dwarf for having Bilbo melt at just a simple look. "Of course, Thorin, what did you want to talk about?"  
  
"I did not want to talk.."He pressed the hobbit against a wall once they found a bit more private corner, pressing his lips onto the hobbit his own, having Bilbo to startle but gladly return the kiss." I was already wondering when you would do so. "Bilbo gave him a sassy look, having the dwarf smile honestly.  
"I'm glad to find that what is in my heart is also in yours Bilbo." He blinked when he sudden called Bilbo by his normal name."Apologies, Master Baggins."He muttered but Bilbo just kissed him again." You can call me all the names you want from now on ..insufferable dwarf." He smiled at Thorin, both needed not more than this confirmation of feelings towards each other." Indeed "He studied the hobbit with that piercing look once more, having Bilbo melt at the spot."Come we have to continue packing."Thorin took Bilbo by the hand and walked back, smiling at the hobbit as he continued his packing.  
  
Bilbo still with his head up in the clouds started to pack his own bag once more, however one of the bees thought it was neccesary to stalk him again and sat down on to Bilbo's hand. The hobbit startled from the sudden bug on his hand, letting out a little shriek and a long wave with his hand, hitting over a broom, which the next unfortunate dwarf, Dwalin, stepped on and had it smack in to his gonads.  
"Let's go Dwalin.." Thorin faced his cousin, his cheeks puffing up slightly as a chuckle bubbled from his chest."Shut yer face..If ye dare to laugh I'll make ye regret ye ever started this quest."

* * *

Thorin

"Uncle you have to stop him, if he continues none of us will be able to continue this quest."Kili peeped, his eyes searching for the hobbit who was fumbling with a piece of bread.  
"Aye, he crushed four of us already."Fili muttered, still feeling the pain. Both Bofur and Dwalin were about to protest aswel but Thorin just raised his hand. "Enough, I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose, but if it makes you ...ladies...feel better, I'll ask him to be more careful." He muttered and walked up to the hobbit, about to tap Bilbo on the shoulder, having the hobbit hop up and slam his sting into the king's royal jewels."

Oh by Eru I'm sorry Thorin!"He looked at the dwarf who bit away his pain."It's......f..ine."he straightened himself a bit more and took a deep breath, narrowing his eyes at the four other dwarves who were sniggering behind his back."Let us..just continue our way." He muttered and limped a bit further ahead, ignoring Dwalin's "Told you so".After a long walk in Mirkwood forest, being lost for whatever they felt like weeks, they finally approached a sort of river. Their minds heavy with the thick air, which if Thorin had to admit, if it would have been caused by some pipe weed, would feel much more comfortable. "There has to be a way across it..." One of the members said and Kili spotted some thick vine branches, walking up to them and about to climb on to them."These look fine to me."

"Kili!"Thorin faced his nephew who turned around with the rest of the company. "We send the lightest first."He mumbled and let his eyes drift off to Bilbo. The little hobbit agreed it would be wise to send the lightest first indeed, until he realised he was the one who was the lightest of them all. Oh by the love of....  
He gave Thorin and the other dwarves a murderous look before climbing his way over the vines."Looks fine to me."He reached out towards another fine, but slipped and fell right onto one of the vines, hanging upside down above the river, feeling his lower half crush right through him. "I'm fine...nothing to worry about."He cursed some dwarves who were laughing but just climbed further until he finally reached his destination, pinching his eyes closed and raised a finger.

"Something's not right....not right at all."he sat up straight, trying to stretch the pain out of his body."Stay where you are! Oh."He looked at the dwarves who already made their way to cross the vines and ended up hanging on the branches, having Bombur to fall asleep eventually. Oh well...That's what they get for taking revenge. Bilbo thought to himself.


End file.
